At fifty...time to do some thinking...
SO I DID.
Fifty years old. I turned fifty!!! I firmly believe that everyone stops and
thinks about their lives when they reach this age. It is a shocker. After
all, soon people will be calling you "SENIOR CITIZEN"...Gasp!!! But,
why worry so soon! With good health and good sense of humor ...
at 50 you are still young. At least I believe so! Well, I believe it
most of the time.
I admit I did a lot of thinking the days before my birthday. The "big" one
was approaching and I needed to face it. You know.. hold the number by
the horns, look straight at it, realize it was happening and do the
"WHAT HAVE I DONE WITH MY LIFE!!!" thing....
In other words...FREAK OUT.....
I thought: where has time gone? How can I be this old? Five decades...
HALF A CENTURY...GULP!!! Will I have time to do some of the things
I have always wanted to do? Will I ever find out what my God given
talent is? What my purpose is? Why do I still feel I missed something
along the way? Nevertheless, taking those questions out of the
picture of my life, it has been a hard, sometimes treacherous journey,
full of twists and turns...coming and going...tears and laughter...love
and hate...fun and boredom...drama and silliness...surprises and
disappointments...good memories and memories I want to forget....
confusion and alertness...wondering and acceptance...
So what crossed my mind???
I still remember the day I turned ten. I was looking at the blue sky on
that hot summer day, and as I stood in the middle of our back yard
in Puerto Rico, I wondered where I would be at, and what would I
look like, when I turned 20...30...40...50...60...70...80 and 90...would I
make it to the year 2050? At this point I laughed at the thought...I was
a peculiar, little, skinny girl, with short brown hair and a lot of wondering
in her head... come to think about it, I guess that hasn't changed, except
for the "little and skinny" part!
Like I mentioned before, I did some thinking...
I thought about my mother, Carmen Bernal Marin, and how much I
miss her. I thought about her captivating beauty and inner strength,
To her I owe my life, my Catholic faith, my love of books, and sense
of family. Oh, and my love for food and cooking.
I though about my father, Gabriel Aragon Bermudez. I inherited his
looks, his love for Spain, and his family's sense of humor. I do, I really
do love making people laugh. Deep down... I am a clown.
I thought about my childhood and how far away it seemed.
I thought about about my kids' childhood. They drove me crazy, but how
I wish I could see my beautiful children again as babies and hold them...
My three kids, Mayra, Chris and Sandra were my reason to be strong.
I really haven't been proud of anything I have done in my life ...except
for having my children and that's funny, because this is said by a
person that didn't want kids!
I thought about my grandchildren, Alberto, Alonso and Gabriel. The
three have brought so much joy to my life. All so beautiful, all so
different phisically and personality wise. They are so much fun...I can't
imagine what my life would be without these kids...I absolutely adore
them!!!
I though about my handsome brother Gabriel. The firstborn. My mother
loved him in a very special way.
I thought about my 3 sisters; Hilda, Maribel and Cary...My sisters are
talented, witty, fun to be with, and extraordinary women. What a strong
bond we have...and that we have to thank our mother for, because any
time we had issues with each other my mother's "BUT SHE'S YOUR
SISTER!!!" , would be heard!!!
I thought about the loves in my life. Not many, only three. My first love
was Jim Johnson...my PLATONIC love from 6 th grade until my sophomore
year in High School. Sad, ha? He really disliked me.
My second one, Tommy ALvarez. My first boyfriend. My first husband and
biological father of Mayra and Chris. The pain and trauma caused by the
divorce marked my life more than people know..more than I care
to remember. I have to say we are in good terms now.
My third and most important love in my life is my husband, Jose Miguel
Moran. He was not my ideal man.The day my sister Maribel introduced
us he had a toothpick in his mouth and Michael Jackson pants showing
his white socks and he was chubby!!! NO, not my type... but he was
funny, hard working, kind, loved me, and above all else he loved Mayra
and Christopher. Through all these years he has loved me, as flawed
as I am, unconditionally for almost 25 years. As my friend and therapist
Sandy, put it one day..."He is God's gift to you. He is not what you
wanted. He is what you needed." Now, I can't wait to renew our vows.
I think I will keep him for another 25 years....
I thought about God, my Creator. I thank Him for his love, for being
there for me... ALWAYS. Although, my life hasn't been a bed of
roses mainly due to my own bad choices, my conclusion on fifty years
on earth is that I have had A GOOD LIFE. I feel blessed. Blessed with
family and friends. Blessed with a good husband, children and
grandchildren. Blessed with beautiful memories. Blessed with a good
sense of humor. Blessed with laughter. Blessed because my eyes have
seen God's amazing beauty in many ways...
Fifty isn't that bad after all....
